THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF HORACE HORRISE
Publication date: 1st November 2019
Horace Horrise is back!
Grown-up stories for grown-up kids (and older kids) about the UK's funniest, liveliest and naughtiest young person.
No time to read a whole book?
The Very Secret Diary of Horace Horrise comprises 366 highly original micro-stories (and 340 illustrations) that can each be read in a matter of minutes at most.
The diary to end all diaries!
Follow Horace and his slightly dysfunctional family for a whole year as they negotiate friends, neighbours and the local vicar.
"...the funniest author since Sue Townsend and The Diary of Adrian Mole." Facebook review
The Very Secret Diary of Horace Horrise
HORACE ON...ST GEORGE'S DAY
Today is St George's Day. Daddy came home from work and said that to celebrate he was going to meet Patrick in the pub for a quick pint. Mummy said, "See you at closing time." Once daddy had left the house I asked mummy how daddy could be hours in the pub having one pint that was quick. "You don't understand, darling," she said. "A quick pint can mean anything from two to about fifteen." I'm so confused. I know there are some things that daddy can't do, but I thought that he could at least count. Sam said that in the Greek numbering system it goes "One, two, many." One too many more like.
We sung a song that was called "Jerusalem." When I asked Emily why we were singing about a foreign country she said that we were singing in praise of English food, particularly an artichoke.
HORACE ON...NEW BOY AT SCHOOL
"My name is Sonny Christy," said Sonny. Miss then asked, "How do you spell your surname?" "Christ why,'" Sonny said. "I only asked," said miss and sent him outside.
HORACE ON...HIS FATHER
Daddy said that he had been in the high street earlier and had bumped into Mike, the local vicar, who daddy doesn't really know. Daddy said that he never knew what to say to vicars so just asked, "What are you up to then?" Mike said, "Tomorrow I'm taking a small group to Lords." "Fantastic," said daddy. "Eat loads of pies, drink too many Pimms, then a dozen pints of Fosters and watch the Aussies get smashed for a successions of sixes all around the ground?" "No," said Mike. "Lourdes. In France. In the foothills of the Pyrenees. Where the Virgin Mary is said to have appeared to a local woman and where pilgrims can drink or bathe in water flowing from a spring. They're seeking miracles." "Same as at Lords then," said daddy as he went extremely red and hurried back home without looking up once.
Archie was serving dinner this evening and he had loads on his plate. Sarcastic as usual, Skip asked, "Don't you find it a little bit strange, Archie, that the meal that you serve ends up with your having twice as much food on your plate as anyone else?" Archie said that it wasn't at all strange as far as he was concerned and that he had an allergy. "An allergy to what?" asked Skip, probably concerned that he had an undisclosed medical issue. "Small portions," said Archie.
Mummy has bought me a new daysack for camp. It's for stuff that you need during the day but not at night. I filled it up with all my stuff. It was a bit of a squeeze. Then I put it on the wrong way by mistake so it was at the front 'cos I got the straps all muddled up and Sam said that it looked as though I was pregnant. It was really uncomfortable! He said that maybe all men should have to carry something similar around to simulate being pregnant so that they know what it feels like. Then mummy said, without being asked, "What about Caesareans? How are you going to simulate those?" We certainly couldn't do anything while on camp 'cos we're not always allowed penknives.
Published: 1st November 2019
Price: £10.99 (paperback)
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF HORACE HORRISE
Everyone's done it - gone to bed with a book, opened it, found their place, read a few pages then fallen asleep. The following day you reread the pages, but first go back to the start of the chapter to remind yourself of what's been going on. Before you know it you're asleep again. By the end of the week you seem to be going backwards.
This is where Horace Horrise comes in.
Written primarily for grown-ups who don't always have time to read a whole book, The Very Secret Diary of Horace Horrise is 366 micro stories, one a day, that can each be read in a matter of minutes if not seconds. Most days are standalone so although there are continuing themes throughout the book you can dip into almost any day at random and still have a story to enjoy.
Nearly all the days are illustrated, or as Horace says, "doodlestrated," by his own hand, with drawings that are mainly relevant to the stories.
Horace Horrise is the UK's funniest, liveliest and naughtiest young person with "grown-up stories for grown-up kids" but older kids will love them too.
And remember - no one falls asleep with Horace's diary in their hands...